What are some “do’s” and “don’ts” of step parenting?
February 23rd, 2010 6 Comments
Posted by admin
What have you learned either as a step parent or as a split custody parent working with step parents…any topic is welcome, please share. Also do these things change, and how so, if the other parent is just dating someone as opposed to married?
Take the “step” out for one
Do not ever talk negatively about the absent parent or custodial parent. Do not try to compare yourself to biological parents. Do your best at loving child(ren). Respect that the kids had no impact on the situation. They didn’t ask to be here and they need love from all adults involved.
Chelsea Anna is right about not talking negatively about the other parent.
Also, help the child honor his/her mother on her birthday, Mother’s Day and other holidays. Be kind to the biological mother, even if she is rude, insensitive, flakey or uncooperative. ALWAYS take the high road. That child will eventually grow into an adult and be able to see his/her biological mother for what she is. Make sure you set a good example while the child is young.
Know that the child will likely pit you against his/her biological mother. Don’t take it personally; remain as objective as you possibly can. Be the adult and refused to get dragged into any competitions.
The child’s father will not likely be as objective about raising that child as you are. He may be dealing with inner feelings of guilt for causing the child to come from a broken relationship. If he realizes this tendency, he may be more willing to listen to your input when it comes to influencing the child’s life. In short, you may have to provide the voice of reason.
Regardless, you and the father must be on the same page when it comes to discipline, rewards and punishment. Put up a united front. Set the ground rules, make them simple and very clear, and enforce them together. The child needs to see that you and his/her father have respect for each other and know what expectations you have for the child has while in your care.
It’s challenging to raise children in a happy marriage with two birth parents. Blended families are all the more work but can be all the more rewarding. My “yours, mine and ours” family means more to me than anything I’ve ever accomplished. The only thing that works is to love them, whether they are behaving lovably or not. Focus on the children, their needs first, their wants second. They need affection, a decent, clean home, appropriate clothes, nutritious food, medical and dental care, exercise and the best education they can get. The latest electronic gadgets are not that important. All the adults in their lives should contribute to making sure those needs are met. All the rest, they are going to pick up from how the adults behave. So be polite and respectful to all the parents involved, even if there are leftover hard feelings. Learn to be flexible and accommodate changing and difficult schedules. Encourage their relationships with all grandparents, cousins, etc. Don’t worry about which side the family is on, we all need to be on the kids’ side. They grow up fast enough. The hardest part of the work doesn’t last forever, but the love and affection does. Good luck!
When your the step parent, you must try as much as you can to keep your parental opinions to yourself concerning your spouses’ children.
Your opinion will not be welcomed until it is ask for by your spouse and even then it will only be an ‘opinion’.
Step parenting is much harder than you could imagine especially when both of the parents have their own kids. Then both of the parents are then step parents. There is a lot of decisions to be made concerning the upbringing of the children and a lot of communication between the parents will occur.
One other thing, if you can’t except the fact that your spouse will always put his/her child before you. Then don’t marry them, because this is going to happen.
It’s not easy but it is possible because I’m going on 15yrs with my wife and we have raised her 2 and my 1 child and now they are all grown and doing will…and we are still together.
DO…
- Form a bond with the child
- Have your own houserules and enforce them
- Discipline when necessary, via grounding, removal of privilege, or time-out for the little ones.
- Feel free to attend school plays and open houses.
- Enforce Mom’s rules at your house too (i.e. if she’s not allowed to shave legs at Mom’s house, carry that over to your house).
- Honor Mom’s role. It’s a milestone to be called Mom, but don’t reassign honor. For example, if the child wants to call you Mom, suggest Mom Jane instead.
- Bite your tongue a lot
- Abide by Mom’s wishes regarding things that involve the child, even if you don’t agree.
………………………….
DON’T…
- Spank (having nothing to do w/ pro-spanking or not. It’s just not your place)
- Overstep your boundaries. You’re a stepparent and a great one at that, but you’re not Mom.
- Invite yourself to parent/teacher conferences or doctor’s appointments.
- Share negative opinions about either parent with the child EVER, even if you are right.
………………………….
I also have a tip or two for the Mom (or dad, whoever is sharing their role) which is sure to get me thumbed. But I feel strongly that everyone entering this new terrain has plenty to learn. The adults here have the power to make a healthy relationship or a miserable one. Consider the following:
- Most of the time, nobody’s looking to replace you
- You have the ability to build a brick wall. Might not be in anybody’s best interest, including yours and your child’s.
- Before reacting, consider how big a deal it is. Stepparents have to feel their way, there’s no manual. They will make plenty of mistakes. Push back when appropriate but don’t kill a mosquito with a handgun.
- If you don’t make her feel defensive or worthless, she probably won’t enter a pizzing contest with you.