There is an assumption on the part of this author that if you are reading this article you are either an adoptive parent or you are currently in the assessment process to become an adoptive parent. Whatever your circumstances, being an adoptive parent can be the most difficult job you will ever undertake and understanding your adopted child can seem impossible task at times. While it is hoped that the authorities involved in your adoption would provide you with advice and support, this is not always the case. Equally, some adoptive parents do not seek that help for fear they will be labelled a failure. This article is written by an adoptive parent for adoptive parents to help you understand some of the difficulties you may encounter with your new child.

Open Adoption vs. Closed Adoption

For many years, adoption was a closed affair and once an adopted child was placed and adopted, their entire history became almost extinct. There was no push on adoptive parents to reveal to their child that they are adopted and their birth family had no further contact with the child. In essence, it was a done deal and the child was encouraged to live their life as if they had never been adopted. In recent times, adoption agencies no longer approve of this and almost all contemporary adoptions are what are known as open adoptions. This is due in part to the fact that most adopted children are older and therefore have memories of their birth family.

An open adoption means that everything is out in the open and many adopted children now have some form of contact with their birth family. This may be a yearly update letter or in some cases involves face-to-face contact. This can be hard on adopters, often leaving them feeling undermined, unloved and threatened by the presence of the birth family. While this is undoubtedly a difficult situation, the bigger concern should always be the impact contact can have on your child. Your child does not understand the complicated legal and moral problems that led to their adoption and they may have an attachment to their birth family. This does not mean your child does not love you. They have plenty of love to go around! However, contact does has a habit of stirring up emotions and sometimes challenging behaviour in an adopted child.

How To Minimize The Impact On Your Child

As an adult, you are able to understand the reasons for your child’s adoption. Increasingly, in cases where children are taken by child protective services, this is due to substance abuse, criminality or mental illness. If your adoption agency did their job, you should have at least some idea of what happened in your child’s history and you will make judgements about it. Perhaps if the birth parents had a history of substance abuse, you may have strong believes about such things and view them in a negative way. This is natural. However, whatever your views on the birth parents, you must remember that this should not be put upon your child.

Your child is not capable of understanding what their birth parent did. All they know is that they are inherently linked to them. Making judgements about their birth family can make the child feel you are judging them because children internalise everything and have a very narrow view of the world. A child will make affirmations in their mind, such as ‘if my mother was bad, then I must be bad’ etc. Therefore, when contact time comes, it is important that you do not allow your judgements and feelings be known to the child and treat it just as you would any other day.

Letter Contact

If the contact is in the form of a letter, always ensure that you read the letter you have received before giving it to your child. While your adoption agency should provide a screening service, things do have a habit of slipping through the net. As an adoptive parent, I opted to equip myself with as much information as I could about contact, there are many excellent books on the subject that will help you to determine if the letter you have received is appropriate for your child. Remember that you know your child best and you may have information that the agency doesn’t. For example, your child may have revealed to you that they are scared of clowns. This would not necessarily be something the adoption agency screening the letter or card would be aware of. If you received a card with a clown on the front, would this be appropriate for your child? Your child may also reveal to you that a birth family member used a particular saying or phrase to prevent their child from revealing something that was happening at home. What if that saying was in the letter?

If all is acceptable with the letter and you are happy for your child to read or hear the contents. Calmly invite your child to sit with you and explain that you have got something for them from their birth family. If your child is older enough, ask them if they would like to see it. This helps them to feel they have a choice and a say in the situation. Assuming they do wish to see or hear the contents of the letter, allow them to read it or if reading it to them, do so in a level tone. If you feel negative about the situation, do not allow your negative feelings to show because this may lead to your child feeling guilty about being happy about the letter. Once read, invite the child to share their feelings with you. Ask them if they are ok and assure them that whatever they think and feel is ok. Continue to do this over the next few days and give your child permission to talk about the letter and ask any questions they may have.

Face-To-Face Contact

If the contact is in the form of a face-to-face visit, never tell your child where you are going or who you are going to see beforehand. This is something I learned through a rather traumatic experience with my own children. Birth family members can be extremely unreliable. There is a reason why your child was taken from them in the first place…THEY DID NOT DO THE RIGHT THING! Whatever the difficulties that led to the child being taken, it is unlikely things have changed enormously since that time. That, coupled with the emotional difficulties a birth parent can have seeing their birth child again often leads to a no show. If your child knows they are going to see their birth family member and they fail to arrive, the emotional impact on the child can be profound. A key thing to remember with face-to-face contact is building up hope in your child only for it to be dashed is cruel and damaging. Never tell your child until you know the birth family member has arrived.

Assuming they do arrive, opt to be present throughout the visit if you feel you are strong enough to handle it. This can be emotionally difficult for adoptive parents, however, if you can manage to do it, you can ensure your child is ok and that nothing inappropriate is said or done. Many adoption agencies offer a service whereby they supervise the visit, thereby taking away the pressure from the adoptive parents. However, as mentioned previously, you may know things the agency doesn’t and no one knows what is best for your child better than you. Consider for a moment that the visit is supervised by the agency and they allow the birth family member to take photographs of your child. Armed with those photographs they proceed to put them on their social networking site. Do you want images of your child online without your knowledge? Had you been present, you would have been able to prevent pictures being taken. If you really do not feel your emotions could be kept in check, by all means let the agency handle it, but ensure that you give them strict instructions and inform them of any potential issues.

As I recommended with the letter contact, always ensure you child feels comfortable with talking about the experience and how it makes them feel. Answer their questions if you can but never judge the birth family as this will upset your child and make them feel guilty for loving them. Remember that in time your child will come to realise these things for themselves, you do not need to ‘turn the child against them’, when the child is old enough they will make their own judgments about their birth family, by which time, they will understand and appreciate everything that you have done to protect them.

Putting Your Child First

Remember, your child loves you and relies on you to make decisions for them that are in their best interests. Always be sure that the choices you make and the way you deal with, respond to or react to contact is in the interests of your child and not a reflection of how you feel. As a parent, your first concern must be your child and sometimes what is best for the child, tears holes in the heart of the adoptive parent. However, the last thing you want to happen is for your child to resent you for the things you do or the choices you make. Ultimately, what you do today, you’ll be answerable for tomorrow. You do not want your child to come to you at some point in the future and say ‘you made me feel bad for seeing my birth family’. Likewise, you do not want to have your child come to you and say ‘you made me see them and I didn’t want to’ or ‘you allowed them to do things that upset me’.

The best piece of advice I can offer is that be sure you can justify what you do to your child in the years to come. Make sure they always feel loved and valued and are never forced to choose. Whenever there is a choice, someone has to lose and unless you’re happy for that person to be you, do what is best for your child and not what is easiest for you! For more tips and advice on issues affecting adoptive parents and children, visit my lens on adoption shown below.

Author: Jay Neaves
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
Provided by: Canada duty tariff