How come some people have said they’ve “lost the baby to adoption”?
Question by Zoe: How come some people have said they’ve “lost the baby to adoption”?
Please don’t take offense by my question. I just don’t understand. Don’t you give up the adoption because you think it’s best for the baby? Nobody coerces you to, do they?
I just read a few answers with that line in a question and was confused. I’m 16 and don’t much about adoption but I’ve always wanted to adopt and so I want to know why ppl would write that….
Or is it just cause they’re sad about giving up the baby?
Best answer:
Answer by Molly J
sometimes the birth parent that put the baby up for adoption decides that they want the baby after the adoption parents already have it so the go to court and most of the time the birth parent wins the case so the adoption parents who already had the baby have to give it up.That’s why some people only adopt outside the US because you cant take the baby back in other countries…this happened to my parents the first time they adopted and then they went to Europe for me and even if my birth mother wanted me back she legally couldn’t unless that what we all wanted.(birth mother, my parents, and me)
What do you think? Answer below!
Giving a baby up for adoption is never easy. Good people do it because they want what is best for their baby, and they know that they cannot provide that situation right now, but even after choosing to give a baby up, there is still a grieving process. You carry this little baby and feel it move and kick and grow, and you are bound to have some connection to it.
Sadly, some underage parents are coerced to give their baby up. Many youngsters feel afraid, and have no means of supporting their children by themselves. If the prospective grandparent/relative is not willing to help someone who is underage, raise a child, there is little option, other than adoption and foster care.
Even more discouraging is the fact that some parents loose their children because they refuse to take care of them, or refuse to admit that they cannot take care of them. Sometimes parents lose their parental rights if they have abused their children, in which case a court can decide that the child can be placed up for adoption.
Also, parents who are trying to adopt can lose the child if the birth parents change their minds, or if there is another couple trying to adopt the same child.
Hope this clears some things up! if you have anymore questions, feel free to update your post!!
Their are people that will coerce a young woman out of her baby to place for adoption and tell her how they tryed for years to conceived and you have adoption agencies talk about what a wonderful thing you are doing giving your baby up for adoption and how your baby will have a wonderful life without you. You have them telling you how these women can’t have babies, and how your parenting skills aren’t good enough, that a baby your baby deserves a 2 parent home knowing all well that America has a 50% divorce rate and you can’t guarantee that both parents will remain in the child’s life.
They have lots of ways to talk a woman out of a baby, like you want to finish school without the responsibility of a baby to take care of. They talk you out of parenting you out of your baby so they can have a baby to place for adoption.
Foster to adopt is a lot better, These are the children that actually need homes and have suffered from abuse and neglect.
It the delusion they have created so they don”t pop a vein. It is easy to give up a kid, and then 18 years later fabricate a story that the child was ripped from your arms and you longed for them each and every day. They cannot differentiate between the actuality of losing a person and abandoning them, either that or the truth hurts so bad that they have to con themselves into thinking it was not really their decision.
There are a couple mothers here like MamaKate and Lori A who I believe and do not fall into this cater gory. Then there are the old windbags who yell the loudest, but that is only to drown out the sound of their own aching conscience.
Lots of mothers are coerced into adoption. Lots of mothers decide on their own. Either way you look at it there is still a loss. Your child is no longer in your arms, you may never see your child again. Sounds like someone that is lost to me.
It is an insult when people automatically assume that because a piece of paper is signed, the signature is given willingly. People sign false confessions for much less pressure and yet can be given more protection than a vulnerable new mother who is scared, unsure and in some cases being manipulated, pressured or coerced.
Shortly after giving birth, a mother who is being targeted to place her child for adoption, is not given the rest and respect she is given. While drugs for pain are still circulating her body, her mind is foggy after giving birth (its the same for these mothers as any other mother!), her hormones are all over the place and her milk is still yet to come in (again, a painful process which plays with the psychological process – for example the well known three day blues etc), a mother is being pressured to make a significant decision which will affect both her, her child’s and her family’s lives FOREVER. On top of the physical and emotional things going on inside her body, she then has to contend with people pressuring her, coercion tactics etc.
Then there are women who had NO choice given to them; their signature was forged or not even taken. There are women who under all the strain cannot fight at that time and once a consent is signed, will, after a few days or even hours come to realise the gravity of the situation and fight for their children. In these instances, where the adopters fight back and take their children, it is a loss; because the child is NOT being given but taken.
There are so many variables to this situation. In cases where women do place willingly, they have relinquished their children but the loss can still be felt and so they feel that whatever situation they were in when they relinquished, caused this loss.
Who is anyone to judge a woman who claims she has lost her child to adoption? Unless you have walked in her shoes, no one has a right to judge what a mother has been through. We get it everywhere, society, family and eventually, adoptees and our own children. We are accused of being victims and playing the victim which trivialises and invalidates OUR experiences. No one knows what it was or is like in OUR shoes and I for one am sick of the judgements.
ETA: And it is obvious people like Troll have serious issues within themselves and so feel the need to belittle and attack people they know nothing about to make their own experience of life better. These types of people are the same kinds of people who would leave a starving person to die, turn their backs on another human being who appears weaker than themselves because they have it in their heads they are not worthy. These people make up the discriminators, racists, prejudiced imbeciles in our world who continue oppression and propagnada to kick someone whilst they are down.
I’m a mother who uses that term – my son was lost to adoption. I was given no other option and told I couldn’t come home with a baby – even though I insisted I wanted and felt I was ready to raise my child.
My parents didn’t agree – I was still a student and had never had anything but a part time job they insisted.
So there you have it – some of us really did “lose” our children to adoption.
There are plenty of people who could find themselves in that situation, like women who have children while they are in jail, teenage mothers whose parents are making the decision, and women who have had other children taken away by child protective services, so they take this baby because the mother’s already proven herself unfit. Many women do make the selfless decision to place their child up for adoption because they know they aren’t able to provide a stable environment, but lots of women have the decision taken out of their hands.
A really good book to read would be ‘The Girls Who Went Away’ by Anne Fessler. I think that would explain a lot
http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Away-Surrendered/dp/1594200947
Also you may want to check out this website
http://www.exiledmothers.com/
No not all mothers choose adoption coercion is still alive and kicking.
My son was born 3 Aug 1981, adoption finalized in Jan 1982 and not once did I agree to the adoption going through, nor was there any good reason for it to go ahead. My parents used the following lines on me:
You will lose your job if you keep your baby
We will kick you out
If you’re homeless you’ll lose your baby
If you’re homeless you’ll lose your job
You’re not entitlted to benefits
If you’re homeless you wont be entitled to benefits
You’re not entitled to council housing
You wont be able to cope with a baby
You’re not good enough to be a mother
We wont help you/will never have any more to do with you
The adoption agency also lied to me by saying they would support my decision but they didn’t. I was told when my son was about 6 weeks old and taken to his adoptive parents that it was too late to stop the adoption. If that isn’t coercion I would like to know what is.
I wanted to raise my son yet I was manipulated by lies instead of being emotionally supported in my decision. I am sad that I didn’t raise my son but not just because of that I am also angry and hurt that I was put into an unnecessary situation.
My son knows the truth as to why he was adopted and he agrees that what happened shouldn’t have. He was denied the right to be raised by him so it doesn’t just affect me, it affects him too.
“They just feel they are ‘forced’ to. They always have a choice, but end up giving the baby away like ‘it’s’ nothing. Then they want to blame everyone: The adoption agency, the adoptive moms, this and that. But in the end, they do not want to blame themselves for the mistake they made.”
Real Mom …. that is the nastiest thing I have read for a while and you may as well call mothers like myself liars. That is downright nasty and rude because I know I am telling the truth nor am I blaming anybody. You obviously have never been forced to give up a child otherwise you wouldn’t be so ignorant to the truth. Fortunately you are unlikely to ever go through such a trauma which I wouldn’t to wish on anybody including you although maybe it is the wake up call you need that it rally does happen.
Oh well they say ignorance is bliss so you must be a very happy person.
They just feel they are ‘forced’ to. They always have a choice, but end up giving the baby away like ‘it’s’ nothing. Then they want to blame everyone: The adoption agency, the adoptive moms, this and that. But in the end, they do not want to blame themselves for the mistake they made.